you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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