you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
