Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
