i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
