I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
