im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
