Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
