U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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