Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I accidentally had phone sex last night
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
