Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
