...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
