I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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