Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize
