I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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