so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
