hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
