the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We were destined to go to rehab together
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
