arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
