Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
