Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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