We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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