Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
