My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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