Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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