Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Randomize
