he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
