So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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