I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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