you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
