gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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