I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
