You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
