I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
