I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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