One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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