so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
