do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
