im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
