Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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