i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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