I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
