he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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