non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
