They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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