My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
