Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
