Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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