LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
