I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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