My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
